I have been crippled by unbelief.
As soon as I realized my problem, my thoughts wandered back to the story of Jesus casting the demons out of a boy who was mute, foaming at the mouth, seizing and injuring himself. Mark 9 records the story of this boy’s father coming to Jesus and asking him if there’s anything he can do to help his son. IF there’s anything he could do.
That’s the way I’ve been living my life the past few months. Tiptoeing around, wondering IF there’s anything God can do with me. Wondering IF there’s any way he can heal me, forgive me, teach me or use me. But He answers me the same way that He answered that poor, desperate father. “If you can? All things are possible for one who believes.” I found myself in the shoes of that father, asking God to help me overcome my unbelief. “I do believe! Help me overcome my unbelief!”
Could He do it? Would He do it?
I haven’t doubted my salvation or God’s sovereignty or the authenticity of Scripture. The doubt I faced came much more subtly through the puzzled looks on the faces of ladies in my Bible Study group as I taught the Word, through the sincere questions they raised about what I’d just taught, through the times I’d spent alone in preparation, wondering if I was getting it right and feeling the weight of the responsibility I’d been given to handle the Word of God. The last study I taught was James and I admit that I naively went into it thinking that it would be a no-brainer. I was so wrong! I’ve never questioned myself more than I did as I taught through the book of James. “Help me overcome my unbelief!”
So that’s why I stopped writing for a while. That’s why I blogged about James 1 but never published anything more from that study. That’s why I didn’t jump on the opportunity to lead a summer Bible Study with my community of ladies. I’ve been doubting and wondering how God can use me, an imperfect person, a sinner saved by grace, a woman with very little formal religious education, to teach the very words that He breathed into existence. So I stopped.
And now here I am again, writing a new post. Starting over. Trying again. I bet you already know the answer as to why I’m back.
God helped my unbelief! He answered! I don’t have to be perfect or reach some higher spiritual “level” before I’m qualified enough for Him to use me. I just needed to get over all the excuses I offered. Sometimes you just have to be real tough on yourself and tell yourself to quit hiding, quit being emotional, quit acting like you don’t know what God has called you to do. So I quit. I got over it. He helped my unbelief! And now I’m back. I’m not quite sure where we’ll go from here – I’ve always been one to let God guide me in that. But thanks for hanging in there with me in my absence and for joining me again as I do what I know He’s called me to do, which is write and teach the beautiful truth of His Word.